If you put together a wish list of fictional devices, a good place to start would be with the big boys. The ones that usually come with dialogue like “We can’t let this fall into the wrong hands,” or “No one can ever know what we’re building in this lab.” But, prattling on about how sweet it would be to have a time machine, a satellite that can cause earthquakes, or a giant space laser would be just plain silly. So, instead we’ve chosen to focus primarily on the simple little gadgets that would make life easier (or more fun) if only we had access to them on a daily basis.
10. Gadget Arms
Even if the live action foolishness of Inspector Gadget tainted a little bit of our childhood, we’ll still always look back at the cartoons with fond memories and weird unexplainable feelings toward Penny. But, aside from all of that is the undeniable desire to have our very own set of extendible gadget arms. There are so many practical applications it’s just not worth listing any of them. However, we’re convinced “could you please pass the salt” would be instantly removed from our vocabulary.
9. Pee Wee’s Breakfast Machine
Making breakfast is for suckers. Suckers that don’t know how to build Rube Goldberg-like contraptions to do it for them. And, although we’d be completely thrilled to have a “Breakfast Machine” of our very own, we can’t quite get over the concern that it might just end up like every game of MouseTrap we ever played. But in this case, when the little plastic guy who’s supposed to do a backflip into the bucket misses completely, we’re going to be left without the most important meal of the day.
8. The Cornballer
Speaking of malfunctioning gadgets, is there any fictional item that would make a better gift for a bride and groom whose wedding you’re only attending out of obligation? They might have ruined your weekend by making you dress respectably and sit through a sappy ceremony, but you can get your retaliation by going off the grid and purchasing them the ultimate kitchen gadget. Sure it wasn’t on the registry, and sure it will probably leave at least one of them scarred for life. But, isn’t that just part of The Cornballer’s charm?
Lightsabers are undeniably bad-ass. However, if you’re not blessed with “The Force,” then a lightsaber is pretty much just an incredibly dangerous sword. And, since we can barely cut a bagel without losing a finger, this makes lightsabers a cool, but totally impractical item. Sure it would be frickin’ sweet to deflect bullets and gracefully brandish our saber in a Skywalker-like fashion. But in reality we’re convinced we’d probably just clumsily cut off one of our own limbs and end up cementing the fact that we’re never getting back our apartment’s damage deposit.
6. The Golf Bag from Caddyshack
Alright, there are more than a few imitators available online, but there’s just no comparison for the 100 percent sweetness of Al Czervik’s golf bag as it’s portrayed in the movie. The perfect gadget for the golfer who feels like they “just don’t belong,” you can launch clubs while rockin’ out to Journey. Instead of whining about how you get “no respect,” this golf bag would radiate your undisputed awesomeness to everyone on the course and in the clubhouse.
5. James Bond’s Rebreather
If we could breath underwater we’d punch a shark right in the face. Seriously. And then we’d tell all our friends about how we’re such a bad-ass we don’t care how many rows of teeth something has, we’ll deliver it with an old-fashioned beat down. Actually, we would probably use this compact device primarily in the swimming pool (the ocean scares us), where we’d take advantage of our new found ability to breath underwater by sitting at the bottom and pretending we’re the shark. But, “six of one” really.
4. Star Trek Universal Translator
More than just a convenient plot-device, the Universal Translator would finally offer the ability to definitively confirm your fears that everyone speaking a different language is really only saying mean things about you. Additionally, who has time to learn a foreign language anyway? With this handy device, you’d never again need to awkwardly thumb through a phrase book trying to desperately figure out how to say, “I woke up in a bathtub and I’m missing a kidney.”
3. MiB Memory Wiper
Sure, there’s probably a fancier name for this gadget than the “Memory Wiper,” but honestly, let’s just call it what it is. Although this little gadget might have a few more moral implications than say, a golf bag that plays Journey, the thought of having one is just too cool to ignore. Imagine being able to quickly erase your bone-headed mistakes and awkward social miscues from a person’s memory simply by having them stare into a tiny metal device. Holding farts in while you’re out in public would be a thing of the past as you continually cashed in on the greatest social Mulligan ever.
While the thought of having a gun that can elicit an orgasm instantly conjures up about 100 ways it could be horribly abused, that’s exactly the reason we want one. Say what you will about “personal massagers,” but this is exactly the type of device that would have kept The Sharper Image in business.
1. The Hover Boards from Back to the Future Part II
Yes, it’s the only item that could be more fun than an instant orgasm. It’s a freakin’ Hover Board! If you saw this movie growing up and didn’t instantly want one then you must have been watching the wrong movie. Hover Boards are the be all and end all of fictional technology. They do everything from helping you escape a gang of bullies to simply serving as a foot rest if you want to lounge about on the couch. We’ve been telling our parents this could be our birthday AND Christmas present for the last 19 years, and our parents keep letting us down.
One MIT student’s “low-cost alternative to wardriving”.